Bouncy-bouncy-bouncy

Physical wounds heal easier than mental wounds. Debriding a physical wound is painful, but possible. Mental wounds? Not as much, though I find these posts help immensely. Especially during weeks like the one I’m in the home stretch of surviving.

The frequency of the attacks has increased, to the point where I find myself crying at least once a day. If it’s at work, like one the other day, I try and find a quiet place to get it over with. I guess that shows progress – it used to be that I would sort of stop, drop, roll, and bawl wherever I was. The way I view the attack is changing too. I see it as something to get over with and get on with my life, because most of the time I can’t really derail it once it’s happening. This morning I’m counting myself lucky. I was ramping up for a really bad attack, but a message from my husband and my brother got me off that particular ledge.

I’m sitting in a part of the clinic that isn’t open yet, and I’m listening to “Riders on the Storm” by The Doors. It’s raining outside. I’ve had my morning coffee, and my kisses from Zelda. This week I’ve put on makeup and jewelry almost every day. I even bought a few solid colored polos so I don’t have to wear my bright yellow construction polo every day. That’s improved the way I see myself, because I can express myself a little bit more freely. Also in the way that I’ve come to think of myself as a bouncy ball or Katamari. (I feel this requires some explanation, so visit this post.)

Last night I watched “Pet Sematary“, which is becoming one of my current comfort movies. I know it’s an odd choice, but when you get right down to it, it’s a tragedy. All of the events can be avoided. Except that we all make mistakes for love. I can’t go into it because it’s not my story to tell, but my parents are currently struggling with some health issues, and I’m beyond terrified that the cycle will start again. I know that’s contributing to my attacks as well, but it seems that only Tkout and Dipper understand and agree with my fears. Everyone else seems to be ignoring the signs. I guess I will have to see how that all plays out.

I’ve ramped up the amount of reviewing that I’m doing for people, and as a result my “to read” pile has grown exponentially. I’m very thankful for this, because it makes me feel like I’m helping good people fulfill their dreams. I’m not sure how far I’ll be able to carry my own dreams, but if I can help someone else, that’s just as good if not better.

A friend of mine from when I worked in a sales call center sent me a surprise in the mail recently. When I opened it, I found a Lokai bracelet. She sent me the orange lokai – which supports mental health awareness. This has a special meaning for the two of us, because recently she came to me with concerns about a loved one and their possible struggle. Every time I look down at it on my wrist, I think of how much there is to live for. Since the beginning, I’ve been open about my own struggles with anxiety and depression. Originally it was to basically let people know what they were getting into, in a bitter way. A few days over a year ago I had a nervous breakdown. I completely lost it and was planning suicide. My husband and brother fought round the clock to keep me alive. (My parents were dealing with another crisis, and so we three dealt with it on our own.) After that passed, I became less bitter, and what started out as more or less a warning sign just became another part of my life. I still post about how I’m doing on Facebook, but now it’s more or less because it’s cathartic. It feels good not to keep it as a dirty secret. If it helps people along the way not to feel so lost or alone, even better. There is always something to live for, and people who love you and would miss you.

I’ve been leaning very heavily on reminders of good times and of the people that love me recently. I find it helps to combat the dark feelings that creep in during the still moments. I’ve mentioned in other posts that I’ve been collecting the Resident Evil Funko Pop figures. Some are exclusive to certain stores, and some are just ridiculously hard to come across. Anyway, I have the bottom three. From left to right, Tyrant, Hunter, and Nemesis. These three are special to me for different reasons. Tyrant and Hunter were ones that Dipper and I found while out on the town for Twin Friday. Phoebe and Dipper brought Nemesis for me one afternoon when they were visiting. (They also brought me the Alien Queen Funko!) Dipper has said he’ll snag me Jill Valentine from Toys R Us at some point. And we are all on the lookout for Leon S. Kennedy and the Licker. These are also special to me because I got to introduce Resident Evil to Phoebe. She’s seen up to the second movie, and I’m wanting to show her the rest. They also remind me of Tkout, because when he and I were dating he purchased Resident Evil 5 for XBOX 360 so that we could spend more time together. (The beginning of the game is a bitch, so we didn’t get far, but I plan on revisiting it soon!)

The picture to the left is my bedside table. The Three Amigos (my fond nickname for Tyrant, Hunter, and Nemesis) are there, along with a graphic novel called Zombies of Mass Destruction, which Dipper recently gave me (not to be confused with the film of the same name, which is also amazing). Underneath the graphic novel is the Kindle Paperwhite, which reminds me of Tkout. The water is also a gift from him.

If you’re struggling like I am an do from time to time, my advice to you is to hold onto the good times. Just sitting here writing this post and thinking about the people I have to be thankful for has brightened my spirits. It’s not going to be a miracle fix every time, and there are times where it won’t take all the pain away. But what it consistently does is remind me why I’m fighting. Who I’m fighting for. I want one more day. With Tkout. With Phoebe. With Dipper. With my parents. With my friends.

If all else fails, build a blanket fort with the love of the people you love the most. When you can’t see the good in yourself, know that they see it for you. When you don’t know your own worth or why they choose to stay, trust that they know it and that’s why they stay.

 

And no matter what, know that even on your worst days they love you and wouldn’t trade you for anything.

A Fitting End

This past weekend was a total shitshow. I’m not going to go into it further than that, because the medical issues involved were (largely) not my own. What I can say is that I backslid in terms of my anxiety, but I am fighting my way out. I am guessing the next few days will be rough, but I am toughing it out as best I can.

Sunday afternoon, Tkout and I went on a date to go see Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. Dipper had suggested we take a break from the stress of the weekend and have a small date. I was worried that I wasn’t going to do well, since I have been having trouble in packed theaters. That didn’t happen to be a concern, since there weren’t more than 13 people in the whole theater.

For those readers that maybe haven’t been following the series closely, this final movie is meant to close the franchise and answer some unanswered questions, and clear up inconsistencies between the other films. The film opened in theaters on Friday, January 27th. The Final Chapter received mixed reviews, some people loved it’s action-driven scenes. Others were nonplussed with the offering as the conclusion to the long-running franchise.

I fall in the middle. But that’s not really surprising, considering I do for most Resident Evil movies when I first see them. The plot of this one had me intrigued from the start though, because it was a return to the Hive. Basically, Alice needs to save humanity from extinction, and the answer to that problem (as well as answers for questions she and the audience have had for years) lie where it all started. Below the bombed-out remains of Raccoon City, in the Hive.

PROS:

  • It was great to go back to Raccoon City and the Hive. It felt appropriate, given that’s where the virus escaped.
  • We finally learn Alice’s origin story.
  • How she survived all the previous movies is explained.
  • The visuals were stunning.
  • The action scenes were well choreographed.
  • The movie tied up many previous loose ends nicely.
  • We finally find out the true origin of the T Virus.

CONS:

  • There felt like too much action and not enough plot. I would have liked to learn more about Alice, Wesker, Dr. Isaacs, and Claire Redfield.
  • Where did everyone go?! Luther. Jill Valentine. Ada Wong. Leon Kennedy. Chris Redfield. If this movie picks up from where the last one left off, what happened to everyone?! You can’t expect me to believe they all conveniently died off!
  • How the hell are the zombies running?! When did that happen!?
  • MOAR CREATURES! I was hoping for much more mutated obstacles and hellbeasts.
  • I was hoping to see some of the creatures from the first film make an appearance, only  more badass and mutated than they were at first.
  • What happened to DC?! In the penultimate movie, Resident Evil: Retribution, Wesker gets Alic & Co. to come to DC for humanity’s final stand. I would have at least liked to see what happened. Even for a few minutes!

I’m a fan of the franchise, so I’m going to go full-tilt fangirl and say that the movie was a blast. I’m extremely glad I got to see it on the big screen, and even happier that it was left open-ended. I wouldn’t mind if the franchise kept going. I know Resident Evil: The Final Chapter just came out in theaters, but I can’t wait to own it! That way I can have a weekend-long marathon with all movies included!